Periodically, I write a corrections column. The process of writing inevitably involves mistakes, and even though nobody notices, and these columns were not actually written, I feel it is my responsibility to pretend to clear the air.
In my column about SPAM, I erroneously referred to it as "a good door stopper" when what I meant to say was "a darn good supper." I, for one, have had a can of it on my kitchen shelf for five years now, and I look forward to making a hearty meal with it when the opportunity arises.
Writing about Washington, I did not mean to use the words "Donald Trump." My lawyer reminds me that I meant to write "Ronald Frump," who is absolutely a different guy, and a very old friend of the family, despite the money laundering.
Regarding my column about global warming, I now admit it is not a funny subject, nor a good topic for a humor column. I regret the use of the word "laffs" when referring to what is happening to polar bear habitat. Suggesting that polar bears "could stand to lose a few pounds anyway" was, I now realize, not only fat-shaming, but, in the grand hierarchy of mammals, known as "punching down."
My column about movies which are so bad they are good mistakenly listed "Serpico" when I meant "Cinderfella." I always get the two confused, since they both feature a man dressing fantastically while challenging societal norms.
In my column about fruit salad, I called coconut "an abomination." While technically true, I regret the use of such a charged word from the Bible. In hindsight, I probably should have simply called it "optional."
Writing about meerkats, I referred to the way a group of them will stand bolt upright in a straight line "reminiscent of Nazi rallies." The comparison was unfortunate, and influenced by my ill-advised ingestion of NyQuil while also nursing a rum punch.
When discussing which beer should rightly be named "the king of beers," I apologize if I offended anybody who resents the sexism implicit in "king." There could certainly be a "queen of beers" (St. Pauli Girl comes to mind), but I am not exactly sure how a vote would be undertaken, considering we are talking about a monarchy.
If you notice any errors in future columns, please hesitate to contact me, as they will have been intentional.
