It is widely understood that our country is at its most divided since, well, since the Patriots’ win last February. Take the quiz below to find out if you know as much as you think you know about your country’s pending descent into idiocracy.
1. Which divides faster?
a) Cancer cells
b) Party guests discussing taking a knee
c) Party guests discussing Starbucks holiday cups
d) A house divided against itself
2. The word “Kaepernick” refers to:
a) Santa’s cousin
b) A demon sent from the Underworld to dig up our forefathers’ babies and spit on them
c) Shooting yourself in the foot in order to help stop others from getting shot higher up
d) A subject more toxic to friendships than the electoral college
3. Niger is:
a) The new Benghazi!
b) Misspelled
c) A rare American ally against Islamic militants in Africa
d) Now hiring!
4. The recent story that Hillary Clinton sold uranium to Russia for millions in personal profit strikes me as:
a) Unassailable truth
b) Demonstrably false
c) A laughably transparent attempt by Canada to attract U.S. immigrants
d) A good excuse to splurge on that lead-lined Hello Kitty raincoat I’ve had my eye on
5. Assault weapons should be:
a) Banned
b) Mounted on vehicles, for purely defensive purposes, I swear
c) Paired with grenades, ideally, for a nice finish
d) Cheaper
6. The purported “genocide on white people” in the U.S. is:
a) A good start
b) A comically thin premise for the next “Fifty Shades” book
c) Totally foreshadowed (see: Crazy Horse v. George Custer, 1876)
d) A term only being used because “White Lives Matter” was already trademarked
7. Global warming is:
a) Great news for Speedo salesmen
b) Part of a natural cycle the Earth goes through every 12,000 years, which it calls its “mammal squeegee”
c) A hoax perpetuated by the Clintons and their ilk, and if you didn’t think there was an ilk, oh, there’s an ilk
d) Not as bad as that last “Pirates” movie
8. Complete the sentence. “I think America needs to be...”
a) Made great again
b) More open to Cosby’s side of things
c) Renamed AMelania
d) More like a fruitcake—nauseating, impervious, eternal
If most of your answers were:
a, You miss George McGovern
b, You watch Fox News even while you sleep
c, You think Libertarian is a race horse
d, You realize this quiz is as bogus as everything you think you know
. . .
