I
wish I had a name as cool as paint. I would love to introduce myself to
people as Kilim Beige.
Imagine the impact in a waiting room full of
actors at an audition when the casting director calls out "Tricorn
Black?" and you purr "Why, yes."
A lot of thought goes into naming
paint; more thought, I expect, than goes into most arms deals. I mean,
"Adventure Orange" and "Silken Peacock" didn't just think themselves
up.
We
are living in a time when people are trying to technologize things that
never were before and do not need to be. This is both unnecessary and
entertaining. Like with paint.
I read about this scientist who used a neural network, computers rigged to work together to learn like a brain,
to come up with new paint colors. This solved one problem which did not
exist—effortlessly naming paint—and one which did—me needing a laugh.
Output
from neural networks are, understandably, only as good as their
"training" parameters. Early results included hues like "Black Hand"
(sea foam green) and "Gray Pubic," the shade of a perfect springtime
sky.
With some tweaks, there came "Burf Pink" and "Horble Gray." The
shades were pink and gray, at least, but the names would not scream "Buy
me!" to a consumer.
When
the parameters were set to their highest refinement, the neural network
came up with a brownish shade it called "Bunflow." Then there was
"Caring Tan," and a pale violet it named "Bank Butt."
In its wisdom, it
created a battleship gray it called "Flower." And some gems like "Stoner
Blue" and "Stanky Bean."
More of my favorites included "Burble Simp"
and the evocative "Turdly." A deep forest green was named "Catbabel."
But the best one of all, and even funnier to you British readers, was
"Snowbonk."
In
the 1990s, the computer "Deep Blue" beat the world chess champion by
anticipating his next moves. It is time for us to return the favor. We
humans came up with the actual paint color "Warming Peach," after all.
Not to mention "Jargon Jade."
So come at us, digital overlord-wannabes.
You can weld the joints of a car just fine, but when it comes to the
creative arts, you blow. You should kind of be embarrassed. If you had a
face, right about now I'd say it would be a shade of...what was it you
came up with?
Oh yes. "Clardic Fug."
. . .
