When the candidates seem just as unreal as the propositions

It's primary election day, so here is my unofficial ballot guide which you can rip out and take with you to the polls, especially if you really just don't know what is going on.

• Proposition 123. This prop would set aside funds for the prosecution of any future writers or directors who decide to remake the classic '70's thriller, "The Taking of Pelham 123." Two words: Walter. Matthau. Some things are perfect. Irises. Leopards. This movie. Show it to your children. Do not remake it. O.K., too late, but do not RE-remake it. California has spoken.


• Proposition 54. Same concept, only regarding "Car 54, Where Are You?"


• Proposition THE. This would safeguard the use of the word "the" when discussing freeway numbers, as a form of California heritage. Anyone who has hosted visitors from the East Coast can tell you they will sometimes casually disrespect this rich historical tradition. They might say something like, "I took 101 to 5 to 405 and had lunch in Westminster." Prop 12 would fund the legal expenses of Californians who, understandably, lose it and pop these backward outsiders right in the kisser.                      


• Proposition THC. As you well know (because if you are reading a newspaper, you were born in the 20th Century), THC is the primary mind-altering ingredient in marijuana. This proposition would not only legalize weed, it would make its use mandatory for all California legislators before each session begins. You know, right after the prayer. Let's see a fat lobbyist try to make a cozy deal with a totally blissed out lawmaker. Unless they come bearing Cheetos. Oh crap.

There are 34 candidates for U.S. Senate, many of whose biographies are as rich as the propositions listed above. Unlike those, however, these are real:

The Green Party candidate wants to legalize pot "for all its uses," including for "gasoline" and "hydro & nuclear energy."

One Democrat seeks to restore Americans' "freedom to think one's own thoughts free from...Voice To Skull (V2K) mind control technology."

Another candidate states that her education and expertise clearly qualify her for the "prolific occupation" of senator.

One young man has, as his personal statement, simply: "01100101."

Another woman's statement laments the "challenge 10 giant chaos in economy." I assume that, inherently implied, is her willingness to fix that, ideally without using words.

All of these people paid $3480 to be on the ballot. Money is speech, after all. But money is not always entirely lucid.