Aries—Your native impulsiveness will cause you to tear the welder's glasses off a friend's face this Tuesday so that you can watch Venus transit the sun. This will not end well.
Taurus—You can be stubborn, and that is a good trait to have this week, because all kinds of people are going to try to tell you that seeing Venus transit the sun is worth missing "Judge Judy." There is a name for these kinds of people—"wrong."
Gemini—Adaptability has always been your strong suit, but seeing a planet punk the sun like this is really going to freak you out. Soothe yourself by wooing a Sagittarius.
Cancer—Your ruling planet is the moon, and the moon is not a planet, but go with me here. The moon will be overshadowed by all the publicity Venus is getting this week, which will make you sad. Find a kookaburra. Laugh with him.
Leo—You are fiery, self-assured and charming. Nobody likes that. Shut up about yourself for just five seconds, strap on some goggles and watch Venus already. Sheesh.
Virgo—Humane and gentle, you are dedicated to serving. All those people out staring at the sun are going to be thirsty. Howzabout you set down that rescue dog and whip up some Arnold Palmers?
Libra—Venus is your ruling planet, so you are bound to be excited by all the press she is getting this week. But keep that even keel you are so proud of, and a new relationship is likely to blossom. Don't wear yellow.
Scorpio—There is always a lot happening under the surface with you, Scorpio. Do you mind if I call you Scorpio? Anyway, I would suggest skipping the Venus transit altogether and dealing with those termite-laden stairs of yours. Call it a hunch.
Sagittarius—A Gemini will try to make time with you on Tuesday, but don't fall for it. Your broad-minded nature may tempt you, but stand firm. I mean, like, a Gemini? Seriously?
Capricorn—You are serious-minded, yet your symbol is a goat? Hmm. Watch the Venus transit online. Avoid pillows.
Aquarius—You are shy and quiet, yet boisterous and eccentric. You love water and take lots of baths. I don't know where I'm going with this.
Pisces—Compassionate, intuitive; you will be too busy with your aquarium to even notice the Venus hubbub this week. You alone, among all peoples, are blessed.
. . .
